| | It's like an up-hill battle this path before me.
Created by those who don't even know.
Don't even take the time to know who I am.
I don't want to fight someone else's battle.
But I will fight for something that feels real.
Because anything good is worth fighting for.
Wow....convoluted.
I need to expand on this my venting isn't really done because my tummy feels all twisted which means I'm overthinking and I need to write. HAHA.
Sometimes this personality of mine pisses me off. I can become far too focused on things.
I waver between cold and rational (read: jaded) and intensely emotional. Everyone has their share of pain in this life, and that pain is what makes us all unique and strong people. But strength can be an ironic thing when it comes to friendships and relationships. I can't speak for others, but in my life things have sort of taken the following path:
As a kid, I came from a household that was always concerned with appearances. Needing to show-off to neighbours who didn't care about us in the firstplace. Needing to present this perfect family image. It's usually the case that the most screwed-up families find the need to appear the most perfect, and I don't think this was any different in my family.
A nuance in my family that I find doesn't always exist, and actually complicates and contradicts the intended effect of the above, was the fact that my mom always feared people. She was scared not only of their judgement, but that they would steal from her. That they would lie. People were innately bad to her, and thus the same was taught to me during my upbringing.
And so I was taught to keep everything inside. "Don't tell anyone about your mother's drinking" okay dad. "Don't let anyone know what kind of things we own" okay mom. "Don't share with anyone. They will take advantage of you." okay mom. "Don't open up to people, they will hurt you." okay...
But I can remember at a very young age seeing the unhappiness in my parents. The way they would fight and argue was so different then the way other parents seemed to act, this is why I stopped bringing people to my home at a young age.....anyhow before I get onto an even greater tangent...I decided to be the opposite of what my parents taught me. I made this decision when my family moved from Burlington to Markham. I was 12. It was a new start. I could make new friends, become close to people, stop being a loner...and I think to a certain extent it worked.
But the bad thing about being open, is that in some ways my parents were right...you are open to alot more pain. People have many more ways to attack you, to hurt you. But unlike how my parents saw it, I don't believe that people are innately bad. People will act out and sometimes you will get hurt. But as long as you are strong enough, you will always bounce back, and the pain will often be just a learning experience.
When people start dating, they tend to apply the same principles used to maintain friendships, afterall, a boyfriend is really just an extremely close and intimate friend, to me the best boyfriend is close enough that you share things like with a best friend...so when I started dating I continued to be open.
But then, these "friendships" might be too intimate, they become too close to you, so its even harder to bounce back when you get hurt. The pain is that much deeper, that much harder to handle, solely because of the nature and closeness of the relationship.
So I guess you could say I learned a few lessons. Three to be exact.
Don't fall in love with your best friend - that was the first one.
Don't fall in love with someone who has yet to love himself - that was the second.
Don't fall in love at all - that was the third.
And for some reason, I thought the third would last, at least for a while longer. The last one is what people like to call bitterness I guess. That extra something special that makes a person bitter. You begin to analyze relationships on a factual basis. Is this person tall enough? Does this person have a good job? Does this person have bad breath? Does this person care about their hair? Their car? Their body? You no longer date people based on the possibility of love. Read on to get what I mean...
I'm the kind of guy who knows pretty much immediately what I want in life and with relationships its really no different. I never used to pay attention to the specific things about a person that drew me to them. If you ask me now, about the few guys I've truly cared about, I could list off a million things I adored about them, but I'd be hard-pressed to tell you even one thing that annoyed me. Yet I can remember first meeting them, and liking them and telling my friends "I wish I knew why....but I just don't"
I always dated based on that feeling. That chemical spark. That constant thinking about someone you've just met. And its a feeling I never get. Something so rare, so hard to find in my life that I believed I wouldn't find it again. That's why the last time I "learned" not to fall in love, I stopped looking. Instead I started looking for someone who I could list alot of good qualities about, with few bad, yet even one bad quality would be enough for me to call it off. But why? Am I superficial? Am I picky? I don't really think so - I think its because I was dating without that chemistry, without the true attraction that drives me. That thing beyond the physical, beyond the mental, that unexplainable driving force that brings two compatible people together.
It would be silly to say that I'm ready to look for that spark again, but it would be a lie to say I wasn't starting to think it was alot easier to find.
Alright alright....it's still convoluted. But I feel better.
Latez |
| | Posted 8/12/2007 10:27 PM - 45 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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